You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
