i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
