U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
