If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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