Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You're like the curious george of whores
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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