Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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