I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
