I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
