Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
