I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
