My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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