Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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