just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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