no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
