How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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