His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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