help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
