Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
