rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
