What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We left the knife in your bed.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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