There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
