I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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