I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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