she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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