i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
