I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize