It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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