you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
