Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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