Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
