i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize