It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
