Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
