Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
