They should really pass out barf bags in church
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
