Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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