just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
