I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
