Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize