I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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