hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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