I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
