I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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