i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
