Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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