sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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