I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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