I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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