fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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