i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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