I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
