yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
