I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
