just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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