I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
