I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
