Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
