This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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