I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
