dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
