Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
